Tag Archives: pain

I’m Grateful

I have lost
I know
I am broken
It’s plain
I am in pain
It’s awful
Why groan and grief all day?
The world is doing enough of all
There are more to be thankful for
Than those I have lost


No Words

Today, I have no words
Qualified enough to describe
The depth of my pain
I have no words
Huge enough to describe
The emptiness in my heart
I have no word
Worthy of the thickness
Of the darkness drowning my soul
I have no words
Colorful enough to express
My desires for each day
That hurries by without their fulfilment
Or for the wishes I have for tomorrow
No words deep enough to form my fears
Of what the future holds
I pray, dear father that you look deep into my heart
And find the words that my lips cannot form
Soothe my worries
And grant my supplications

My Birthday

To me, this day is more than a birthday, that’s too ordinary. But what could make a birthday more than an anniversary of the day in which a person is born?
A Rebirth?
A second chance at life?
I got both, because if the devil had his wish I would exit here the same day I entered it. And I would be labeled so many evil things and more. But the Lord in His infinite mercy gave me life, again.
A birthday used to be just the celebration of my birth. When I ended one year and started another. After my twentieth anniversary it became, “what’s the big deal? Everybody has them. Someone has one every day.”
And now, there are so many thoughts and feelings attached to this day: happiness, apprehension, panics, blessing, anxiety, and gratitude, their incessant and persistent attacks can be so overwhelming and frustrating – A time bomb waiting to explode.
Over the years, I’ve learnt to accept them, feel them all, sort out the real from the imagined, and forge the strength to beat the delusion.
Today, I woke up again with the dread of facing the long day, my birthday. Because I had a doctor’s appointment, today of all days. Memories of my birthday not too long ago in surgery and ICU flooded my mind like rushing water. I was going to see the doctor who hacked off my limb on my birthday. I wanted to hide in bed all day. But then, I armed myself with the remembrance of all I had to be grateful for. The little things like sneezing without pain, stretching without whimpering and turning without grimacing. I’m grateful for the blessings of the people in my life who never let me feel bad about my life for a second. When I think He seems too far away or uncaring, I see Him in them. These little things make me realize just how blessed I am, and how much good I have in my life. They outweigh the bad.
Today, I realise that good or bad, there are benefits to everything; one simply needs to find them.
And that, birthdays are more than celebrating the inevitable passage of time.

Death Will Die Someday

Today is your day, Damilola Adisa or supposed to be your day. In my heart, it’s always is and I can’t but remember you. I didn’t want to remember, so that I won’t be sad but I couldn’t because that would be like you were never here, like death has conquered us, conquered you and all that you were. It hasn’t. So, let death not be proud of this small victory for it only lasts a while. This reminds me of one of my favourite poem by John Donne:

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul’s delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell’st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

Five years ago you passed away and you left an empty place in my heart; a place that nobody can fill. It was the saddest and most painful day I’ve had in my life. That day, after I had tried so hard to contact you, I logged into my Facebook account to check your wall, and there I found a post left by someone of your death. I was shattered into a million pieces, worse than when I met you. I couldn’t even mourn you because I was beside someone close to both of us who was also fighting for her life. I buried the pain in my heart crying inwardly, going through the rituals in a daze. I couldn’t say anything to anybody until weeks later, it was the hardest moment of my life. I couldn’t comment on the post because she would find out too. It is a memory that I cannot erase from my mind, neither from my heart. I couldn’t be there for you in your last days. It was a journey I have not returned from.

People say that time heals all wounds, but today I can tell you that’s not true. Till today, I feel the same pain in my heart that I felt that day. I’m still finding it hard to accept that you are no more maybe because there was nothing to get the closure from, nobody; you didn’t give me any clue you just vanished. You left me wondering.
The only difference is, today I have decided to think only of the good times we had together, they were the best times. Though much younger you taught me how to love, you opened my heart, you taught me that family is deeper than blood. You kept tugging at my heart until it embraced yours.
When I met you, you needed so much love, you needed a family. I needed to heal from a broken heart, and together we healed.
I wanted no human company, just my books. You were always telling me how books can’t give love, friendship or warmth; and I’ll say that’s the point 🙂 They don’t need anything, I don’t have to give anything and they wouldn’t complain. And then you would sit right in front of me, dragging your feet and grumbling and until I’d get tired and eventually gave up. You’d clap and smile. And then you’d insist that I helped you with so many things until I could no longer resist you.
I brought you to my family and you accepted us as your family, the one you never had but always wanted. You were always eager to please everyone, to help, to do the chores though you didn’t know how. You liked to be praised when you did it well, but hated being scolded when you didn’t. At first, we would let you go free when you were wrong so as not to hurt you, then we stopped because you wanted a family, a family shouldn’t let one do as one pleases. And because you were such a gem too, you understood the love in being corrected and adjusted. You loved to cook though a very bad cook.
I thought you all you wanted to learn from a mother and a big sister. But you didn’t wait to show me all you promised to become. You didn’t write the book you promised, you left with the biggest story. You didn’t wait to be all that your mother wanted you to be. We both failed to keep our promises.
Now that you left without saying goodbye, I’ll do all that I can to keep the memories alive. I’ll remember you like you were, always happy, free, innocent beautiful in and out. I’ll remember you with longings and with joy.

Rest on Sis, till we meet to part no more. Rest on Damilola mi, until death would be defeated forever and we shall weep no more.
May we meet again.

The Grinning Ghost

It’s there
and then it’s not
teasing and taunting
not a soothe of hand
can succor bring
it lands hard on emptiness

The mouth without caution
can chew
when the rotten tooth is pulled
ne’er with a hacked limb
pulling and tugging
fluttering and trembling
itching and twitching
you can’t touch
you can’t scratch
save a pat on the stump
like an itch on a crotch

Never sleeps; never dies
not a rest ; nor an ease
for the tormentor,
or the tormented
till the rest goes to rest.

Pray, leave
go torture the physician
who hacked you off,
quit appearing and disappearing
like an advert on tv.

Not my desire that you die first
tis the cruel fate life dealt me
since you can stay not,
quit lingering; stay on the other side
and rest awhile
for this body, craves
a little rest.

Between A Second

It seems like another lifetime
it’s just a short distance away
        the crow of a cock
        a ticking clock
        a toiling bell
it’s an hour after mid-day

A mounting breath
and then another
melting into one

Somewhere in between
         a mother in travail
         the angry wail
         of the newly arrival
and a distant mournful wail
herald of the departed soul

In between a flutter
a life given
a life taken

Between a second
a whole life’s work
a bundle of something
crashes into nothing

Between a second
we live a decade
        and over


Time has healed my wound
Nature has cloaked my scar
Friendship has offered relief
Love has soothed my grief
But the memories are green
And somewhere within
Lurks the dread
Of what lies ahead
In the unfolding of day
In the silence of the night
The voiceless mutterings
“Will tomorrow be another yesterday?”